Chapter I
He suddenly realized he only had 6 legs.
"Who took my arms?" he wondered, the words not echoing because he thought them.
His best friend, continents away, did not realize what was going on.
"I'm on my own", he spoke, this time speaking.
Did his wife know? Maybe. IF he had a wife.
Crawling on all sixes, he grabbed today's can.
It looked and tasted like beef Jello,
which made it the best breakfast he had eaten in years.
Or would have eaten… if he had possessed arms.
The anger grew like a bean plant… slowly, overnight, in a green pod.
A cybernetic wolf howled right next to him, his owner long since eaten.
"What if", he thought.
"What if… no… why would they?"
Exactly.
What he really wanted was a coffee - outlawed long before he was born.
Needless really, since the ingredients for coffee no longer existed.
Most people drank "Sunny D" - a combination of rust and corpses.
On a good day, you got more corpse than rust.
Chapter II
José Electric jerked his fourth double corpse espresso.
They don't format the place like they used to, but it pays the googles.
Ned, a gigantic steam powered electric zombie who was not introduced until just now,
barked his order: "2 Sunnys, no worms, make it snappy"
Jose's OS froze - thank god his heart was virtual.
José switched, rebooted, then spoke: "How can I help you, Sir!"
"2 SUNNYS AND NO GODDAMN WORMS!!!"
Even if José remembered, he couldn't make it snappy - his hardware was completely outdated.
The software required to manipulate his hands consumed most of his internal resources.
The finger threads alone took such high priority, he went blind when he used them.
Luckily, José had learned to pour with his cybernetic elbows -
take that Windows Ultra Mega XP Vista 2132.
Ned: "I'm looking for a man with no arms and 6 legs."
A lady with child bearing hips responded "Aren't we all!"
The bar patrons (3 heterosexual terminators, 2 chinese wookies, and the last surviving human being) laughed.
José: "Only person even remotely fits that description…"
José collapses into a contorted heap (speaking was a higher priority than standing)
"… has 9 legs and 3 arms."
"You sure about that?"
Their tentacles met, José's buttocks clenched… he screamed "OF COURSE!!!!"
Satisfied, Ned retracted his extrusion, and noticed his order remain unfulfilled.
Ned's temper flared, "WHERE'S MY GODDAMN NIGGLENITS!"
José: "How can I help you, Sir!"
Chapter III
Today's can lay open, its contents digested by Jimmy 88.8.
His best friend, continents away, was always impressed by Jimmy's ability to digest pretty much anything.
FLASHBACK
Jimmy: "You gonna eat that?"
Best Friend: "Jimmy… it's concrete…"
Rising to the challenge, Jimmy devours it instantly.
Best Friend: "… and it's my bed."
PRESENT (soliloquy)
Jimmy: "It's the year 2149, and my name is Jimmy 88.8.
My friends call me {1171A62F-05D2-11D1-83FC-00A0C9089C5A}.
About 100 years ago, the earth stopped rotating.
At least that's what the robots tell us.
The seas turned hot, and their steam (their lovely steam) powers everything.
They say that the steam is running out,
but the scientists assure us global warming will fix it.
What no-one knows is, I am a robot… baseball player."
(dramatic pause)
Sitting beside Jimmy was now the largest steam powered electric zombie José had ever seen.
Unimpressed, Jimmy 88.8 spoke "Hello Ned. Got my arms have you?"
Without missing a beat, zombie Ned replied "… and your legs."
"I guess that makes it a fair fight SHORYUKEN!!!!"
Ned's zombie bandages were lit by the passing fireball.
Frantically trying to extinguish the flames, Ned wondered aloud "BUT YOU HAVE NO AR"
But he was greeted by 18 kicks to the face (Jimmy having retrieved and attached his missing legs)
Chapter Infinity
"ARRÊTEZ!!!"
In the distance, high atop keyboard mountain, magnetic cyborg punk wizard Gandalf stood.
That was bad, very bad. Ned was crying dry, electric zombie tears. Jimmy: "Ned, you're my only hope."
Ned was wide eyed, like a child, as Jimmy stuffed him with explosives
(tying the whole package neatly together with Ned's zombie tentacle).
Magnetic cyborg Gandalf was now airborne, and lightning was shooting from his pants
[Pants were declared illegal during the Facebook wars].
Ned, reduced to a giant crying fiery zombie ball of explosives, was too heavy too lift. All hope seemed lost…
José's smiling, idiotic face inexplicably appeared from underneath the mass of Ned,
"Need some help {1171A62F-05D2-11D1-83FC-00A0C9089C5A}?"
This wasn't going to be easy. While José was useless, he had an adamantium skeleton
(all the rage in 2100, but nowadays considered tacky).
Jimmy slung José over his back like a sack of future potatoes.
Gandalf was 400 feet away, and flying straight at them.
"Perfect", Jimmy thought, but José somehow heard.
In Jimmy's robotic baseball hands, José made the perfect cyberpunk bat.
Jimmy swung and connected with Ned perfectly, snapping José in two.
"ZOOM!" screamed Ned, as he hurled toward flaming pants Gandalf.
"Amazing hit!" José would have said, if he hadn't been dead.
"no…", naked Gandalf whispered, as the realization that his pants burned off dawned on him.
Plus, he was going to die.
Jimmy and dead José watched triumphantly, as the apocalyptic explosion engulfed the horizon,
killing Jimmy's best friend - who had been visiting his mom in the aforementioned floating mega city.
Can you believe it!?
++Epilogue
500 years later…
Robot baseball player Jimmy lay on the cyborg hillside,
his 3 arms folded behind his head,
wondering how he got that can open.
Appendix A
I. NiggleNits is future for Drinks.
II. Pockets were also outlawed.
